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| Operation Picnic Pandemonium by Stormy on June 07, 2025 The Story of the Alpine Marmot Commandos and the Great National Trails Day Raid National Trails Day: A Celebration for Humans. A Buffet for Marmots. For humans, National Trails Day is a wholesome opportunity to reconnect with nature, volunteer for trail maintenance and snap selfies with breathtaking backdrops while pretending not to hate granola bars. For alpine marmots? It's Thanksgiving. And not the kind where you gather with family and talk politics. No, no. This is the sneak-into-your-campsite, steal-your-vegan-jerky, leave-a-tiny-footprint-on-your-sleeping-bag kind of Thanksgiving. The kind that's covert. Tactical. Fuzzy. Enter: The Alpine Marmot Commandos. Codename: Operation Picnic Pandemonium. It's a tale of trailside thievery. In the high country, a secret society of alpine marmots has been training for the ultimate mission: stealing food from unsuspecting hikers on National Trails Day. These furry commandos have been practicing sneaking up on backpackers, swooping in on campsites and making off with sandwiches, snacks and sometimes even entire picnic baskets. These pint-sized thieves are experts at stalking their prey, often disguising themselves as harmless rocks or tufts of grass. But don't be fooled. Beneath their cute furry exterior lies a cunning and ruthless operative. They're known to use advanced tactics like the “Marmot Squeak” (a high-pitched whistle that distracts hikers while they snatch food) and the “Burrow Blitz” (a lightning-fast raid on campsites). Their targets are carefully selected, with a focus on high-value snacks like trail mix, energy bars, and, of course, sandwiches. The marmots have even developed a sophisticated system for evaluating the worthiness of a picnic basket, taking into account factors like proximity to the trail, ease of access and the likelihood of human distraction. Despite their mischievous ways, the alpine marmot commandos operate under a strict code of honor. They never harm humans (unless you count the occasional nip on the ankle) and always leave behind a token of their appreciation, perhaps a strategically placed pile of scat or a well-chewed rock. Imagine this: A family settles down for a well-deserved lunch. Dad's untying his boots, Mom's pouring the lemonade, little Timmy is admiring a cloud shaped like a dinosaur. Suddenly, from the periphery, a blur of brown fur. Before anyone can shout “Hey!”, a tightly rolled sandwich is GONE. Not dropped, not nudged – SNATCHED. The marmot is already halfway back to the burrow, a triumphant, albeit slightly muffled, victory whistle trailing behind him. Meet the Team Every elite squad needs its operatives. The alpine marmots are no different.
The Infiltration Phase While hikers stretch their calves and pretend they know how to read a topo map, marmot scouts are already in place.
That's when the raid begins. Target: Picnic Basket Charlie Mission Overview: A young couple sets up the perfect lunch spot: scenic overlook, blanket, hummus, those expensive cheese cubes that cost more than your car insurance. Marmot Tactics: And then… Rustle. Pop. “Did you hear something?” “It's probably just the wind.” Wrong. It's Whiskerblade. Sliding into the basket like a little furry Navy SEAL. Collateral Damage: The cheese is gone before the humans even open the kombucha. Target: Campsite Delta-9 Mission Overview: An REI catalog exploded here. Hammock, ultralight tent, artisanal trail soap. Prime target for Operation Picnic Pandemonium. Marmot Tactics: Mittens, of course, goes rogue. She knocks over the JetBoil, runs across the sleeping bag, leaves one suspiciously clean pawprint on the pillow and eats the marshmallows through the side of the bag. Collateral Damage: There are no survivors. (Except the humans. Who are now emotionally devastated.) Target: Operation Zen Snack Mission Overview: Todd, age 34, has hiked seven miles for “me time” and has journaled four pages about personal growth. He's meditating, unaware that he has accidentally placed a protein bar beneath his head for pillow support. Marmot Tactics:
Collateral Damage: Todd wakes up enlightened and hungry. Begins spiritual journey to understand marmot wisdom. Target: Operation Crumbstorm Mission Overview: Eighteen middle schoolers, five adult chaperones, zero situational awareness. Lunches scattered across a meadow like a tactical buffet. Marmot Tactics:
Collateral Damage: Youth group now convinced they witnessed divine intervention. Begin writing marmot-themed camp songs. Target: Operation Avocado Smash Mission Overview: Two hikers with $3,400 worth of titanium equipment, a sizable Instagram following and a pack of guacamole meant to be consumed at sunrise. Marmot Tactics:
Collateral Damage: Marmots left a cluster of rocks, spelling out “#NOFILTER”. Target: Operation Biscuit Blitz Mission Overview: Retired hiker known only as “Barb” sets up camp near a trail junction with a book, a thermos of tea and a bag of homemade buttermilk biscuits. Marmot Tactics:
Collateral Damage: Barb is both offended and impressed. Names the marmots “Greg” and “Linda” after her grandkids. Returns following year with more biscuits and a GoPro. Psychological Warfare Marmots don't just take your snacks. They leave evidence. Strategically.
It's performance art. Retreat and Celebration Once the mission is complete, the marmots vanish. Gone. Like a burp in the wind. They retreat to high meadows, where they:
The Hiker's Guide to Marmot Counter-Insurgency Think you can defend your lunch? Think again. But here's what might slow them down:
Conclusion: The Mountains Belong to Them So this National Trails Day, if your protein bars vanish, your peanut butter gets mysteriously “licked” and you spot a chubby rodent waddling away with a tortilla wrap in its mouth… Don't be mad. You weren't robbed. You were honored. You were visited by the Alpine Marmot Commandos, guardians of the peaks, masters of mischief and highly-trained snack extraction specialists. In the words of an anonymous marmot operative, “We're not thieves, we're just enthusiastic foodies. We love trying new snacks and exploring the world of human cuisine. And let's be real, who needs berries when you can have trail mix?” As National Trails Day comes to a close, the alpine marmot commandos will retreat to their burrows, bellies full and picnic baskets empty. But don't worry, they'll be back next year, hungrier and more cunning than ever. Happy National Trails Day! Guard your snacks. |
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